Published on 4/10/2020 By: Tony Krikorian, Kyle Risko, Colby Frier
The true crime documentary series, Tiger King, has taken the nation by storm and we are all about it. It illuminates the life and career of the eccentric Joe Exotic. He’s the man at the center of a major feud between big cat collectors and conservationalists/animal protectors. It’s truly riveting and has provided a level of intrigue and drama we’ve been missing without sports.
So, here is our best attempt at mixing pop-culture with our beloved Pac-12 football, and a little humor. We are not great at it, but we gave our best effort. Our criteria: program history, recent performance, location, style of play, and school stereotypes. Let’s get started, all you cool cats and kittens:
The man, the myth, the legend-he’s the linchpin of this whole thing and everyone’s got eyes on him. He’s a unique mix of prestige and dumpster fire, but he unabashedly embraces both sides. He’s all about puffing out his chest out and telling you how great and flourishing he is-even though he’s really nothing more than a sad side show trying to rebuild his image. Although, at one point he did have dominance over Carole Baskin.
Joe’s mortal enemy and honestly, probably hated by most people. She’s flashy with her 50 thousand different tiger prints, operates one of the best parks in all the land, and is supported by deep pockets. Most of the time she feels untouchable and has probably done some terrible things to get to the level she is at. She is willing to do whatever it takes to win, including “allegedly” murdering her ex-husband (OSU) and going into Joe’s (USC) own backyard to steal talent. She wants to think she’s above reproach, but she is eerily similar to Joe Exotic in the way she runs her “sanctuary.”
Bhagavan Doc Antle -ASU:
Doc is the master manipulator, who somehow is running a cult in conjunction with his big cat sanctuary. He’s absolutely down to party and someone that is at the top of the list of who we’d love to have a beer with. He’s smart on the outside (WP Carey School of Business and Sandra Day O’Connor College of Law), but is really all about getting 18 year old girls in, keeping them for 7-15 years and making sure they leave brainwashed with implants.
Much like the dark and dismal clouds that hang over Seattle, Jeff has a layer of doom and gloom from the moment he shows up-for Pete’s sake, who wears a bandana UNDERNEATH a hat?! And don’t even get us started on the Affliction jeans and T’s. Jeff is supposed to be the investor that saves Joe’s zoo. He has high expectations, endless riches and clout, and he’s not afraid to self-proclaim to be the savior of the conference. But, ultimately, he turns out to be a sham and under-performs.
Mrs. Lauren (Jeff’s wife) Lowe – Washington State:
Lauren lets Jeff (UW) get away with whatever he wants and rarely does anything to stop him. However, she’s super gorgeous on the outside like the mountain areas of the Palouse in Pullman, and has an element of intrigue to her that draws us in, much like how QB’s feel about the Air Raid offense. But there’s not much going on other than that, which will most likely leave fans and recruits alike to have a lustfully wandering eye for the nanny or any other school around.
Allen Glover- Utah:
The hired assassin. He’s the blue collar handyman, who’s made a name on being the guy with a reputation of grit and toughness. He’s usually up for the challenge to take down the top dogs (Carole-Oregon), but seems to change course right at the end and ultimately fails to complete the task.
Don Lewis-Oregon State:
Carole’s first husband, who only gets talked about because of getting murdered or disappearing when it matters.
Travis Maldonado- Colorado:
Joe’s second husband is big, beautiful, rugged, and aesthetically pleasing-much like the Rocky Mountain range surrounding the Buffs’ stadium. He was so full of promise and started off so strong. But, even with good wins early in the year, you always knew the season was going to end terribly-regardless of how many times you throw Laviska Shenault the ball.
Rick is the producer who films every second of Joe’s life and he’s probably the sanest of the whole group. He’s smart, with a successful past, and always yields a high quality production value. Despite some historic efforts, his downfall always seems to be Joe (USC) burning his dreams to the ground.
Tim Stark- University of Arizona:
Tim is an ancillary character who also owns a plethora of big cats and even sold some to Joe and Carole. He wants nothing more than to have a pivotal roll in what’s going on, but really isn’t relevant in anything other than occasionally spoiling something for all the others.
Just hang in there, our options were getting slim. “Saff” is one of Joe’s main helpers at the park. He is the quintessential Pac-12 ride or die. Despite getting his arm ripped off most weeks, he always shows up with a workman like attitude. Through the ups and downs, he’s committed.
We are completely out of options at this point, so we apologize. It feels like we are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole-which leads us to John Finlay, Joe’s first husband who actually ends up being straight. John gets to rub elbows with the Baskin’s (Oregon) and Antle’s (ASU) of the world only because of his love association with Joe (USC), but he usually still gets his teeth kicked in by the big cats.